Archive for May, 2011

Litany Against the Universe

2011/05/26

LITANY AGAINST THE UNIVERSE

Spirit destroys, the breath of life poisons,
All teachings of earth are false and are lies.

Rejoicing in the power of Evil.

Alone we stand, together we are mighty, bringing devastation
to the weak of the Earth.

Let all the creatures of this earth cower in terror.
Surrounded by fire, enchanted by death.

Spirit destroys, the breath of life poisons,
All teachings of earth are false and are lies.

With a heart of iron
We attack without mercy.

When we see the cold, let us give them ice.
When we see the hungry, may we let them starve.

Spirit destroys, the breath of life poisons,
All teachings of earth are false and are lies.

With knowledge and with power
Together we work to conquer the earth.

Let the rivers run dry, let orchards be barren,
Let the air be as dust in the dark of the moon.

Spirit destroys, the breath of life poisons,
All teachings of earth are false and are lies.

Together we raise the unrestrained fists of violence, of
vice and of crime.

Let all know subjection to the lash of our tyranny.

Together we are free from all restraint to conquer all
people and rule the earth.

Let all those enslaving rejoice in their power,
Let those enslaved writhe in their chains.

Spirit destroys, the breath of life poisons,
All teachings of earth are false and are lies.

Let the words of the other be ground into silence,
They have nothing to say that’s worth listening to.

Spirit destroys, the breath of life poisons,
All teachings of earth are false and are lies.

Great is the power, the power of darkness,
It casts out the light and boredom from our lives.

Fierce is our path, our roadway to glory,
Anger is fuel and blood shows the way.

We rejoice in the power shown by the atom,
We bless the destruction of all that is weak.

Spirit destroys, the breath of life poisons,
All teachings of earth are false and are lies.

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The Rapture did happen.

2011/05/24

Contrary to popular belief, the Rapture did happen last Saturday. Donna and I were eating supper at Denny’s and suddenly a big hole opened up in the space-time continuum and we went through it to find ourselves sitting in comfy chairs across for a thoroughly annoyed St. Peter.

Well, I was really surprised and I asked St. Peter why I was chosen. He just shook his head and said, “God thinks like you.”

Well, I was of course flattered and flabbergasted that the Almighty would have the good sense to think like me and then Peter went on, “This used to be a nice, quiet place and then God read your books and now no one knows what in Heaven he is going to do next. Used to be we had harp concerts and bridge tournaments. Now we have Natural Disaster competitions, where the angels compete to see who can make the best tornado or earthquake, our own BDSM club, as if watching people burn in Hell wasn’t fun enough, and he’s got that nice Mr. Hitler repainting all the houses!

You got picked because God has decided to recreate himself in your image!”

And at that point Jesus shouted from the hot tub, “Chuck! Come on over, I want you to meet Mohammed.”

That’s not what I expected, not to end up in a hot tub with Jesus and Mohammed. (It seems they found an old baptistry and modified it.) And there is this huge book floating in the air. But it isn’t the Bible. It’s Psionic Psupervillain!

Seems that one day God read it, and decided that his Christian image was really boring so he called in the head angels and said, “Read this! It’s our new model. We’re going to have fun again and smite people! Oh and we’re making a little change in the smiting procedure. Now we smite people who DON”T sin.”

And the Archangel Gabriel, who is a bit of a smartass, asked, “Oh, like that old bore Job?”

And the Lord spake and said, “Yes! Just like we did unto Job. I haven’t had that much fun in ages.”

So the angels dumped the robes and halos and put on three piece suits and nice neckties and sunglasses, lots of sunglasses.

And it was good.

And I have to say that Mary Magdeline still really looks good in rope.

Then they told us that it was a practice drill and we found ourselves back at the table in Dennys.

Bullets

2011/05/03

Let us leave aside the question of whether or not bin Laden was actually killed last week or had been dead a long time and a decision was made to kill off the bogeyman. Let us assume, for the sake of this, that he was killed by navy SEALS.

Let us realize that for the purposes of psychological warfare that was not the best way to do it. It would have been far better for him to have been killed by a large bomb, a cruise missle or a rocket fired from a drone. Why? Because all of those are mechanical, impersonal ways of killing. It is one thing to be martyred by the act of someone standing there, it is quite another to be killed by the push of a button. By killing that way we deny the humanity of the target and view him and those around him as the worthless pixels on a screen that they are. And killing everyone around him, especially his family members, is always a good thing. It sends the message that we accept no limits in our targetting.

There was only one problem with that. The track record of killing specific people with bombs and cruise missles is not a good one. You have to be sure the person is really dead and to do that someone has to look right at him and pull the trigger. So much as I would have liked for the compound to have been simply blasted to pieces from the air, this was the right course of action, even if meant that bystanders were not killed as they should have been.

Uncle Osama Is No More

2011/05/01

Let there be rejoicing throughout the land. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons and floggings in the bedroom.

And let us have a small bit of skepticism. After all, how does someone live ten years on dialysis? But nevertheless, let us assume that Osama is dead, his death has been acknowledged and the Great Bogeyman is no longer there to frighten small children and fools.

And now let us wonder who will replace him. For we need a Great Bogeyman to frighten small children and fools.