The Rapture did happen.

Contrary to popular belief, the Rapture did happen last Saturday. Donna and I were eating supper at Denny’s and suddenly a big hole opened up in the space-time continuum and we went through it to find ourselves sitting in comfy chairs across for a thoroughly annoyed St. Peter.

Well, I was really surprised and I asked St. Peter why I was chosen. He just shook his head and said, “God thinks like you.”

Well, I was of course flattered and flabbergasted that the Almighty would have the good sense to think like me and then Peter went on, “This used to be a nice, quiet place and then God read your books and now no one knows what in Heaven he is going to do next. Used to be we had harp concerts and bridge tournaments. Now we have Natural Disaster competitions, where the angels compete to see who can make the best tornado or earthquake, our own BDSM club, as if watching people burn in Hell wasn’t fun enough, and he’s got that nice Mr. Hitler repainting all the houses!

You got picked because God has decided to recreate himself in your image!”

And at that point Jesus shouted from the hot tub, “Chuck! Come on over, I want you to meet Mohammed.”

That’s not what I expected, not to end up in a hot tub with Jesus and Mohammed. (It seems they found an old baptistry and modified it.) And there is this huge book floating in the air. But it isn’t the Bible. It’s Psionic Psupervillain!

Seems that one day God read it, and decided that his Christian image was really boring so he called in the head angels and said, “Read this! It’s our new model. We’re going to have fun again and smite people! Oh and we’re making a little change in the smiting procedure. Now we smite people who DON”T sin.”

And the Archangel Gabriel, who is a bit of a smartass, asked, “Oh, like that old bore Job?”

And the Lord spake and said, “Yes! Just like we did unto Job. I haven’t had that much fun in ages.”

So the angels dumped the robes and halos and put on three piece suits and nice neckties and sunglasses, lots of sunglasses.

And it was good.

And I have to say that Mary Magdeline still really looks good in rope.

Then they told us that it was a practice drill and we found ourselves back at the table in Dennys.

3 Responses to “The Rapture did happen.”

  1. hex Says:

    Yep. Psionic Psupervillain is one hell…er, heaven of a book.

  2. oink Says:

    “And I have to say that Mary Magdeline still really looks good in rope.”

    You didn’t tie it too tight, did ya?

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