Future History

“And it came to pass in the days before the First Jihad, that the Cosimanians were having an outing a the Cosimanian Beach, feeding the poor to the jellyfish while feasting upon hamburgers and hot dogs and other delicacies when it was discovered to their great amusement that by some mistake in planning a Catholic beach was positioned right next to theirs. As much amused laughter was indulged in by the Cosimaniacs, they noticed that while the young women on the Catholic beach seemed to attractive, they were so covered by their damnable burkhas it was impossible to tell.

Overwhelmed by the horror of such waste, they called up on the Great One to look down from the Astral Fortress in which he dwells for eternity in ferocious splendour and solve their problem. And at once a voice was heard from the heavens saying, ‘You blithering idiots! You have the Electropsychotronictepabeamer. Use it!’ followed by some grumbling about how he still had to do all their thinking for them.

And thus, with the playing of the Holy Bagpipes, the Electropsychotronictepabeamer was rolled out of the truck looking something on the order of a WW2 155mm howitzer, only maybe just a little longer with a big light bulb sticking out the end.

‘Uh, how does it work?’

‘I have no idea. Brother Weapon’s Master!’

‘Yes Brother Brewmeister?’

‘Consult the Book of Fun Stuff.’

‘And Uncle Chuckie, peace be upon him, said unto the gathered faithful, behold the Electropsychotronictepabeamer which I have created for your amusement. And the people drank, and feasted, and set fire to the poor in their hovels…’

‘A little down brother…’

‘And His Wisdom said, ‘Climb into the chair at the end of the beamer and put the Holy Helmet upon thy head. The helmet being put up on they head, plug it into the panel. Turn the dials three times. Thou shalt not turn them four nor shalt thou turn them two except that thou proceed to three. Having turned the third dial, three being the number of the dials, thou shalt push the big, red button and the enemy shall know the full weight of your power.’

And thus it was done and when the big, red button what pressed a brilliant light emmitted from the end of the electropsychotronictepabeamer and as it spead across the Catholic beach, the burkhas covering the women were all disintigrated leaving them naked in the sight of the universe and being filled with joy at their liberation they shouted as one, ‘We’re outta here!’ and fled from the Catholic beach to the waiting arms and protective heavy laser guns of the Cosimanian Orthodox while the men looked on in a drunken stupor.” St. Willard of Muskego, Book of The Acts of the Early Church.

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2 Responses to “Future History”

  1. Sarah Says:

    (I’m writing this from a library computer, and I’m writing it in the comments area of your blog because I couldn’t get into my email, so writing back probably won’t get anywhere.) Yo, man, I like you. When I saw the comment thread on ~[Talk Gnosis] Bishop Stephan Hoeller & the Ecclesia Gnostica~ on youtube and you were like “good to hear my friend again” I flipped a shit. I was dancing in my seat and pumpin’ mah arms-(trying to be real quiet, stage whispering)- and the librarian came over to make sure that I was okay because she heard a thump and thought I had fallen out of the chair. It was so cool, because you’re in the radionics part of my life which I really want to use to reach my dreams, and he is Just._Fucking._Awesome. and I love everything he says and writes, basically. And I wanna get into that thing that he’s a Bishop of and be friends with all y’all. -(Okay, here goes sumthin’,)- I need your help. My life is headed nowhere fast. Or slow. One can’t really tell without a reference point ~*sparkly metaphor*~. And I don’t want to be dropping all my baggage on anyone’s head, but I also *reeeaally* don’t want to be living in Napoleon Dynamite World for the rest of my natural life. Because I’m kinda, sorta, in a certain way; fucked. But oh my god do I have plans. So if you could just pop dat helmet on and go to work I would be like two or six times as jubilant as those guys who thought the sun had died, and then it came back. You could look into my situation and I could feed your paypal so you don’t have to eat Ramen (eugch) and introduce you to my Cool Friends called Mo and other names. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou, bruh.
    An remember, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”-Arthur Charles Clarke -(that’s, like, not original, as my friend would say.)
    P.S. Have any windbag Tool fans staggered over here and told you about Doug Stanhope yet? Thangyeverymuch.

  2. Sarah Says:

    Mah nigga, where I’m at is beginning to look more like 100%, never from concentrate, gluten-free, slow roasted, kosher pareve, reverse osmosis, good-old-fashioned Communism every minute. Like when they corral all the peasants and ship them on railroads to collective farms to grow hard winter wheat for Mother Russia. And apparently my bedclothes are just free for the taking. Because, you know, you were just too fucking stupid to remember to bring your own. Thank you. WOO magic! SOS

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